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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It annoys my loved ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This journey will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.